“THE ATMOSPHERE YOU PRODUCE DETERMINES THE HEALING YOU UNLEASH”
Kintsugi is the 400+ year old Japanese art of repairing pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer resin and powdered gold, silver, and platinum. It is an art form born from the feeling that nothing should be wasted and the need to accept change. This practice honors the artifact’s history. Its philosophy stems from the belief that this transforms the artifact into something new and more beautiful, making it original. I wondered if my tears would ever stop falling and my heart would stop breaking many nights. I wondered if my cracks would ever heal with God and my inner strength. Then, one day…they did.
Healing doesn’t happen all at once. Just like with Kintsugi, you are filling in the cracks in your spirit, refueling your soul day-to-day. Sometimes you experience a massive change: lifting a stressful burden, a hard conversation with a loved one, or changing your location or job or routine. But most often, we heal in small, quiet ways. We heal with sunrises, perfect cups of coffee, and the first kiss with someone new, someone incredible. We heal when we rewatch favorite movies or read new books or walk through a silent park early in the morning as the sky opens up and it begins to snow and each step releases the crunch of fresh powder and we feel so overwhelmingly, perfectly, present.
Wherever you are on the spectrum of healing, recognize that in time, and at your pace, you too will heal and become something new and original. You will no longer be a broken dish; you will be a beautifully reconstructed artifact. To heal yourself, recognize what works for you and what support you need in your life.
Do you have a supportive family and a network of friends? Do you have a healthy set of strategies to deal with stress? An important reminder is to not try to rush through the healing process. Do not feel like you must pretend everything is fine or that there is a timeline for when you will stop grieving. Take time to grieve in the same way you would rest to heal from a physical cut or injury. Give your grief the patience and nurturing care it needs. Doing this will give you long-lasting results. Your loss is genuine. No one, even well-meaning family and friends, can tell you otherwise or even suggest you get over it!
We all grieve in our own time and no way is better than another. After all, there is no right or wrong way to go through the process. Just as every river follows a different path, so is everyone’s the pathway through grief. Healing is a deeply personal and intimate journey and no one can tell us exactly what to do to work through this stage of loss.
To begin to deal with the sorrow, your mind begins to resolve what happened. To answer that massive question— WHY?
Dwelling on the ideas of what could have been or wishing for the life that you once knew can keep you trapped in a whirlpool of self-doubt, depression, and cynicism. This will leave you in a state of perpetual dismay. As a former pastor, I helped folks who were ready to give up hope. Then, I lived through it myself, so gained a completely different perspective. My book is peppered with the many tools and intentional strategies that brought me through a rough patch in my life. It didn’t help that, as a pastor, my divorce affected the house of worship and my parishioners.
I want to talk about my loss and pain for a second. For me, my loss and pain were a result of my divorce. I had to make some hard compromises and sacrifices during my marriage, but I learned not to regret them. They were for my son and have led me to where I am now. To this day, I do not regret my decision. Yes, I had to grieve, but I found myself and regained my confidence through that grief.
You’ve followed along with me deep into my story so far. Hopefully, you feel a connection, good reader, and the challenges I’ve faced share some bonds with your own. We’ve touched on some heavy subject matter, painful moments, and reflections on suffering. It’s important to acknowledge past trauma but it’s even more important not to let that define you. Do not allow the past to drown your present or future under a long, cold shadow. Always, always, face towards the light. I am overjoyed to proclaim that my present is beautiful, filled with warmth and faith, friends and family. All my happiness today is because I decided to heal from my yesterdays.
This path and this pain that you are feeling lead you to exactly where you are meant to be. Be kind to yourself. Pamper your body with baths, long walks, and nutritious meals. Surround yourself with candles and warm blankets. Be present in the moments of your distress, as it will pass. Reach out to your loved ones. Share what is in your heart. Acknowledge the misery when it surfaces, even if it’s just a whisper.
Just because we are able to weather one storm of grief in our life does not mean that our feelings of doubt or inadequacy won’t come creeping back up on us when we least expect it. On a day when we are content, the gloom may come out of nowhere. It may sneak up on us again after we thought we were healed. Don’t fight it. Slide into the barrel, as it is called, hang on, be still, and breathe deep. Recognize that you will glide out on the other end into peaceful waters again. Most importantly, lean on God. As Psalms 46:1 instructs, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Call on His name…. He will give you peace.
THINGS TO REMEMBER:
Rejection doesn’t mean that we need to think of ourselves as less worthy. Perhaps this person’s opinion meant the world to you, but their decision was about them, not you. The only opinion that truly matters in your life is how you feel about yourself. There’s no point in rewinding everything in your head, wondering what you could have done or said differently. It will change nothing in the present.
Something that hurts right now will make you stronger in the end. The human heart goes through heartbreak and sorrow. Rather than fighting against it, learn to flow with it. Use it as fuel to love, life, and others even more. Give yourself the chance to love again, feel again, and to be again. This is a time to heal.
Learn to set your value. Take this time to celebrate how truly amazing you are. Celebrate what makes you unique and special. Have faith that all of this is leading you to exactly where you need to be. Think of a time something else didn’t work out, but something better came along.
Time doesn’t heal everything, but it heals most. No amount of willpower will move us past the grief faster. Acknowledge your feelings. Breathe. This is a time to heal.
To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sow; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
