“WHEN YOU ARE UNABLE TO CHANGE YOUR SURROUNDINGS, CHANGE YOUR FOCUS.”
I have held numerous titles over the years, but “Dad” will always be my favorite. I have many fond memories of my children asking me questions. Yes, Anthony!
Hey Dad, remember when you bought a mopad before you had a car. Oh, you know the Kansas City Chiefs is your team. I’m a 49er Fan!!
Hey Dad, I need to talk, are you awake? – an actual text I received at 1:30 in the morning! I om my way flying back to Jordan. Yes, Melissa.
“Hey Dad, I have a basketball game and I want Panda Express. Can you cash-app me $20?” Yes, C’Jay.
“Can you watch Haikyuu! anime with me, take me to Starbucks, and then later order Cold Stone ice cream on DoorDash?” Yes, Sydney.
“I just built my first gaming computer, but I need two computer screens and a faster remote control…can I text the specs to you, please?” Yes, Cayleb.
Being a father has given my life a sense of purpose, and as my children grew up, I found my role as father changing, evolving. Allowing children to grow and develop their own lives can feel like a form of loss. It can be very disorienting and lonely at times. Still, despite all the bumps in the road, I hope that my children will continue to bring out the very best in me and allow me to accept both the positive and the negative aspects of parenthood. As a father, I like to think that I have tapped into two rivers — one of the joy, the other of the pain–the former would run fresh and strong from the ground to the ocean while the latter barely constituted a trickle in comparison.
While I’ve spoken at length about my trials and tribulations, I want to take a moment to reflect on the joy and balance that I have found years after my life’s most painful struggles. I’ve never been happier in life than I am now in these moments writing this book. It’s given me time and inclination to reflect on all the good I’ve seen, the accomplishments of my loved ones, and the pure wonder I feel each morning waking up next to the love of my life. On that precipice of past and potential, I’ve found true balance. Still, it’s always worth examining your history to better determine your map for the future.
Think about what your invisible attachments are. If they are kids, remind them that they are loved and you are not leaving them. If a person hurt you, recognize the connection you used to have and how it helped you grow, then let it go. Think about what those ties are, recognize whether or not they are helping you grow, and use them as a propellant. Remember that a rope can be used to either bind you or you can use it to climb.
“STOP GAZING AT WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN AND START GAZING AT WHERE YOU CAN BE.”
Recognizing those ties can be difficult, and the aftermath of a loss can cause those ties to strain. In my case, I was forced to co-parent. Co-parenting can sometimes be difficult to navigate. I had to remember that my children come first, and they must see both their parents treating each other with a sense of respect. If this is difficult to do, the help of a trained therapist or a pastor can help. Often, I reflect on what we reviewed in Chapter 11, and those first steps my son took in my church. Each new chapter in our lives starts with a first step, sometimes a stumble. But if we keep moving forward just like my son “The Church Baby,” we can be amazed at where our new path might go.
