“EXCELLENCE IS THE CONNECTION TO AN EXTRAORDINARY DESTINY.”
Sometimes change is difficult because of the invisible strings of attachments we create to things, people, or moments. At the point of my divorce, being a dad was my biggest accomplishment in life, and I didn’t want that dynamic to change. The shifting of parental responsibilities and roles was more of a loss to me than the end of the marriage. Where my son was once a constant presence in my life, I suddenly had to focus on ways to stay connected with him. However, I eventually realized that this pain could also be an opportunity for personal growth and positive change. Focus on that as you move forward, just as I did.
While getting used to my son’s absence has been sorrowful, I have learned to redefine my relationship with him. The quality of our interactions has improved as I have become more focused and intentional. In place of routine questions (“How was your day,” etc.), I took an interest in his aspirations, fears, challenges, and emotions. Through loss comes healing, and through healing, we weave new threads of connection. This truth is as palpable in mending the fractured bonds between father and son as it is with mending broken bones.
When I look at my boy now, I see not just the little kid taking his first steps at church, but every dimension of him: who he was, is, and could be. I can imagine him as a man, as a father. Whatever pain he faces on his journey, I hope I can pass on the experience and tools to give him resilience because I love him, I am proud of him, and he deserves every happiness known, lost, or undiscovered in this world.
If you have read this far, then it is time you also realize that any pain or loss you have experienced is a thing of the past. It is undeniable and unchangeable. All you can do is move forward. Find what helps you to do so. When I went through this hardship, I took a few concrete steps to regain control of my life and happiness. The following are the actions that worked.
REEXAMINE YOUR MISSION
It’s up to you to decide how your life continues. You are the conductor of this concert. You get to choose which instruments play and when. The music is prewritten and there are still factors beyond your control, but in the end, you are center stage in front of a magnificent orchestra. Hence, be grateful for all the little things in life. You never know who or what could take a seat in that first chair and play a solo.
RECONNECT WITH MENTORS
Seek a mentor. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “Tell me, and I forget, teach me, and I may remember, involve me, and I learn.” While there are merits to failing, failure for failure’s sake has limited value. Work toward success and deal with disappointments as a byproduct of a plan. The best way to achieve success is to work with someone who has already been there. There is plenty that can go wrong as we travel down life’s winding river toward true success.
Seek out those who have successfully done what you want to do. What are their secrets? Find them, get to know them, and learn from their habits. Don’t be stubborn and think that you know it all. There is always something to learn. Be willing to ask questions, accept the answers, and learn from the masters. I’ve always wanted to be a preacher/pastor for as long as I can remember. My father, the late Rev. James Shelby, my uncle, Dr. Claude Shelby, my brother, Pastor Michael Shelby, my brother-in-law, Pastor John Summers, and other inspirational men in my life, Pastor Floyd Reed, Supt. Elvin Rhone, and Supt. Bennie Toliver served as my mentors. Each were catalysts of growth and inspired me greatly. Be sure to thank your mentors — your parents, teachers, and others — who inspired you to succeed. Find those who have attained or strive to attain that next level.
REFOCUS YOUR MANTRA
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is not only the definition of insanity but a waste of precious time. The word of God states, “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: ‘Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus’” (Philippians 13:14).
Change is difficult. At times, you will want to quit. Never give up. Winners, and those who set new marks of excellence, are experts at rejecting defeat. Be patient. It takes twenty-one days to establish a new habit. However, it takes more than 21 days to get to where you want to be. Think of this as a lifelong pursuit. The only way to fail is to stop showing up. Always show up, get up if you fall, and never quit. Pursue your goals with all the tenacity of your life, mind, and most importantly, your heart. You will come out on the other side and continue to grow even more every day.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
