“WHEN YOU ARE DOING GREAT THINGS, GREAT PEOPLE ENTER YOUR LIFE.”
Time with a trusted friend is like a sacred place of reprieve from the world’s demands. The mutual bond of friendship is a rare gift and should be treasured. When I was going through my divorce, my closest friends and family became my most valued treasure. It was a time when I felt misunderstood by church members, and I felt like I was looked upon by my married friends as if I was contagious.
Being a senior pastor brought its own unique set of issues. I felt isolated, and very misinterpreted while going through one of life’s most dreadful experiences. There were times when I stood up in front of my congregation and felt like an imposter. How could I lead my friends–my flock–and provide Biblical guidance to them when I myself was in such a dark place? Divorce is draining at the best of times, and an absolute confidence killer at the worst. That negativity is magnified and multiplied when trying to remain a leader in the church. There were times that I faltered while facing the loss of my marriage, my home, and the life I’d spent decades building. I was lucky to have friends to lean on who could help me carry my burden.
Remember, there’s a community of friends out there waiting to support and welcome you with love and empathy rather than judgment or fear. God places people in our lives just when we need them. There are no coincidences. They appear during our times of great stress and need. A dear friend of mine calls them “angels walking on earth.”
“GO WHERE YOU ARE CELEBRATED RATHER THAN WHERE YOU ARE TOLERATED.”
“Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (Proverbs 27:9).
COMPANIONSHIP
At a time when everything in your world has shifted and your footing rests on temporary (yes, temporary), shaky ground, fellowship with a supportive friend can allow you to process the challenges you are grappling with. An old friend can be a source of levity and pleasure as you venture out into the world again. My dearest friend, Joshua Moore, was an incredible source of encouragement, strength, and comfort during my divorce.
My spiritual brother continues to be present in my life. Whether it’s a phone call to laugh about something he and his wife watched on The Bachelor or an uplifting text, we stay in touch. His unwavering friendship and unconditional love has been and will continue to be a blessing in my life.
THE GIFT OF SUPPORTING AND BEING SUPPORTED
Clark D. Williams, whom I met as a lineman in California, has been my friend for many years. We shifted between being supportive of and supported by one another as we went through similar experiences. His ability to listen, his steady, calm demeanor, and his sage advice often guided and uplifted me through difficult decisions. Supporting friends can be therapeutic. Therefore, be a friend and reach out. When we do, we heal ourselves.
UNDERSTANDING AND VALIDATION
Sometimes, a friend who has gone through similar trials becomes a source of comfort. They understand and lend their ear. They reflect only kindness and empathy when you need it the most. My spiritual mother, Dr. Emma J. Clark (a.k.a. “Mother Clark”), often remarked, “Son, remember: Psalms 30:5: ‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.’” These words gave me the strength to walk through my distress. Because of her wisdom, I now live a life of peace and joy. So, reach out. Make that call. Lean on a trusted spiritual mother, a friend, or a sibling. They reinforce our values, even when we are unable to.
THE FAMILY YOU HAVE -THE FRIENDS YOU CHOOSE
Being blessed with eight delightful siblings, each with their own unique gifts, quirks, and modes of communication, has added richness and depth to my life. Although my family situation is uncommon in today’s context, remember that sometimes our “family” is constituted of the friends we choose. These are the people who will be there with you to help you endure the hard times and celebrate the good times. They are a witness to our struggles and personal triumphs, and they can see how far we’ve come. They are non-judgmental and accepting. They give advice only when we ask for it, and they love us no matter what choices we make. My siblings helped ameliorate the torment during my worst days.
I am forever grateful for true friends like Mrs. Carlean R. Mitchell, a widow. She always reminded me of Psalms 46:1: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” She saw my healing and joy before I did and walked with me all the way. Who will you trust today? Who will you lean on? It takes courage to be vulnerable, but a dear friend, a brother or a sister may be what you need right now. “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17).
ACTIVATION EXERCISES
❧ Add fifteen to thirty minutes of physical exercise to your day. (You may need to seek the advice of a medical professional if you are having health issues or concerns before starting a physical routine.)
❧ Write down your daily routine and figure out how it can be improved. Create a daily to-do list to help you visualize and achieve your goals.
❧ Give yourself the time and space to start exploring new interests and hobbies. Community centers can be a great starting point for finding art and music workshops, gym memberships, yoga classes, cooking classes, or meetup groups. Exploring different activities does not have to be expensive, and it is normal to feel unsure about committing to a long term to an activity. Start off small – one day workshops are a wonderful way to sample different possibilities. Finding DIY tutorials online is also a wonderful way to explore different options for free. To avoid overwhelming yourself, commit to signing up for only one or two activities a season.
❧ Think about your past and how your painful memories might be influencing your current attitudes, decisions, and general behavior. Think about whether you might benefit from seeking professional help.
❧ Reflect on the people in your life that matter most to you and think about how you can strengthen these relationships. Give them a call to see how they are doing, let them know how important they are to you, and see if there’s anything you can do to make them smile.
