“CHAMPIONS ARE PREPARED TO DO THINGS THEY DISLIKE TO CREATE SOMETHING ELSE THEY LOVE.”
What is the most common response from parents when asked what they desire for their children? The most common parental desire for their children is to be well-adjusted. According to Collins Dictionary, “A well-adjusted person has a mature personality and can control their emotions and deal with problems without becoming anxious” (“Well-Adjusted”). As a parent, I would define it as the ability to associate with peers and adults. We want to see our children enjoy relationships with people and be able to shoulder added responsibility as they grow up.
Regardless of gender, income, ethnicity, age, and political affiliation, children’s well-being is crucial to every parent. There is a wealth of information available on having smart and successful children, but how can you raise well-adjusted children? Finding a balance between what’s best for kids and what makes them happy can be challenging, but the two don’t have to be incompatible. In a society where performance is valued, happiness is a massive bonus. On average, cheerful people are more successful at work and in love than miserable people. They receive better performance ratings and higher-ranking jobs, and they earn more money. They are more likely to marry, and once married, they are happier in their relationships.
So, what really works when it comes to raising happy kids?
PRACTICE 1: Get Happy Yourself
Ironically, the first step toward happier children is a little selfish.
Your level of happiness makes a significant impact on the happiness and success of your children.
Extensive studies have found a strong correlation between sad parents and their children’s “negative outcomes,” such as acting out and other behavioral issues. Parental depression appears to promote behavioral issues in children and make our parenting less successful. This is not merely due to genetics. Studies find that happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children.
So, what’s the first step toward becoming a happy version of yourself? Make time each week to socialize with your pals. Spend time with family members and friends who often laugh, as laughter is contagious. Their laughter will make you chuckle as well, though laughing isn’t required to feel happy. According to neuroscientists, hearing laughter from another person activates mirror neurons in the brain region corresponding to listeners feeling like they are laughing as well.
PRACTICE 2: Teach Them to Build Relationships
While nobody will debate the importance of knowing how to build healthy relationships, I do not know many parents that take the time to teach their children relationship skills. You can start by encouraging your children to act with kindness and develop a stronger sense of empathy. This will help your kids to develop important social skills and improve their happiness in the long term. People who demonstrate kindness and empathy have a greater resilience to anxiety and depression.
PRACTICE 3: Expect Effort, Not Perfection
Perfectionist helicopter parents and overly-involved Moms and Dads: take a deep breath and relax. The constant pounding of the achievement drum confuses children.
Children believe they must perform to be loved. All of us need to rest and enjoy life. In the performance-based home, there is no rest or enjoyment; we must do rather than be. Parents who view their children only based on their accomplishments are more likely to feel depression and anxiety. Effort should always be praised over natural ability.
Most smart youngsters, given the choice, would choose an easier task over a harder task for fear of being labeled if they make a mistake. However, those with a growth mindset choose more difficult problems. Commending children for their hard work and effort will cause them to want to continue participating in the process. The “smart” label does not distract them from learning.
PRACTICE 4: Instruct Optimism
If your goal is to avoid a grumpy teen, then the answer is to teach your pre-adolescent to have optimism. When ten-year-olds are taught to think and interpret the world in a positive light, they are far less likely to develop depression as adolescents. Author and sociologist Christine Carter claims that optimism is practically the same as happiness. She contrasts optimists and pessimists, concluding that optimists:
- Are more successful in school, the workplace, and sports;
- Are happier in their relationships because they are healthier and live longer; and
- Have a lower risk of depression and anxiety (Carter).
PRACTICE 5: Instill Emotional Intelligence in your Children
Emotional intelligence is a skill that can be learned rather than inherited. Expecting youngsters to “naturally” understand their own emotions (much less those of others) is unreasonable.
When they’re battling with anger or irritation, a simple first step is to “Empathize, Label, and Validate.”
“I am very, very, very ANGRY AT YOU,” Janie says.
‘Me,’ I say. “You’re furious with me, you’re furious with me. Tell me more about your feelings. What is it because I’m not allowing you to have a playdate right now?”
Janie: “Yes, please!! I’m desperate for a playdate right now.”
“You appear to be depressed,” I say. (Janie whimpers a little and rests her head on my shoulder as she crawls close to me on the couch.)
Relate to the child, help them recognize their emotions, and reassure them that their feelings are normal, but let them know that this is not an excuse for bad behavior.
PRACTICE 7: Instruct Self-Discipline
A child’s ability to delay gratification is indicative of their intelligence, academic performance, and social skills. This stems from the fact that self-discipline helps learning and information processing. Self-disciplined children also manage better with frustration and stress and have a stronger sense of social duty. In other words, self-discipline leads to better happiness, more friends, and higher community engagement, in addition to academic success and sitting nicely at the dinner table.
PRACTICE 8: Have Dinner as a Family
Science confirms what our forefathers knew all along: dinner as a family is important. Something as simple as a family dinner can help make kids happier and mold them into better individuals. According to a 2017 Canadian study, children who eat dinner with their families daily experience long-term physical and mental health benefits (Harbec and Pagani).
WRAPPING IT UP
Here are the eight steps:
- Make Yourself Happy
- Instruct Them on How to Form Relationships
- Don’t Expect Perfection, Expect Effort
- Instruct Optimism
- Instill Emotional Intelligence in your Children
- Make Happiness a Habit
- Instruct Self-Discipline
- Have Dinner as a Family
We’re generally more receptive to new ideas when it comes to work and jobs, but dismissing advice about family is a mistake. Try to follow these steps and watch how your family is elevated to a new level of happiness, connectedness, and greatness.
“The greatest work you and I will ever do will be within the doors of our home.”
~ Cedric Shelby
